Daddy’s First Fuck Up

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A screenshot from my scale this morning.  Obvi I went up by about a pound and a half.

And I know why. I had it in my schedule that I would skip the gym Wednesday mornings.  I have a standing weekly appointment at that time, and if I’m being realistic I won’t have time for the gym then, so why not avoid the unrealistic gym goal, and build in one day a week that I don’t go?  That seems reasonable.  So I didn’t go Wednesday morning. I went to work, and had my Potbelly’s for lunch and my salad for dinner.

Wednesday is my Friday, meaning I have Thursdays and Fridays off work every week.  I came home at the normal time that night, and I wasn’t hungry, like normal, and I had my fruit waiting for me at home, like normal.

But something happened in my brain in the span of getting off the train and walking down two flights of stairs to the street.  Without thinking, or rather, with a little weak justification and then no critical thinking about those justifications or my subsequent actions, I straightaway went into the pizza place across the street and got a slice and a cookie, my regular after work meal before that got me into this fat pickle in the first place.

And then I didn’t go to the gym Thursday.  Or Friday.  And I ate garbage too.  And I avoided this blog.  I basically laid on the couch and watched shitty tv and ate whatever the hell I wanted.

So let’s figure out what the fuck happened.

I made the following justifications that shoved me right the fuck off the wagon:

  1. It’s my weekend, I deserve some treats.
  2. I haven’t lost much weight yet, and I probably will fail this time like I’ve failed in the past when trying to lose weight so fuck it I’m going to eat an entire pint of ice cream because nothing matters.

And I avoided my goals by taking naps and watching tv.  What’s weird is that I enjoyed my mornings going to the gym*, and I felt better eating better.  I didn’t even really enjoy the pizza, and I felt bad for eating garbage I knew wasn’t good for me.

So what I think is happening is maybe a couple things:

  1.  Old habits die hard, and are going to take time to not only rewire my brain with a new habit, but also, and even before the rewiring takes place, I’m going to have to practice some serious awareness with actions that are so insidious they are nearly automatic.
  2. There is a lot of data out there about how our gut microbiome drives our food cravings, and I think my pizza and cookie microbes are strong, because I’ve been feeding them a lot for a long time, and that’s likely where my “automatic” drive to eat pizza and cookies comes from.

So what am I going to do in the future to try and beat back this bad behavior?

Next Wednesday, I will still skip the gym.  I think it’s good for me to have a rest day at this early stage.  And like I said, I can’t make it that morning b/c of a scheduling conflict anyway.  Also, it wasn’t a problem to eat well during the day.  I just fucked up when I came home after my work week and thought I deserved something for completing that task.  And my need for a reward wasn’t even very strong.  The biggest hurdle was that I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing.

I think the answer is to plan to write a blog post that night.  It will give me something to do and it will force me to use my brain and think about what I’m doing as well.  And if I need a treat, I will bring home some different fruit, so I’m staying within my good eating routine but still getting something special.  I love mango, so I will likely bring home some pre-cut mango slices from work, and destroy the whole container, guilt free, because even a whole container will be well within my calorie allotment.  I think the most important takeaway here is to stay the course.  I fucked up.  I will likely fuck up again.  I just can’t give up.

XOE


*I’m not going to lie and say I enjoyed the exercise, because that’s bullshit.  The exercise is hard because I’m fat and out of shape.  But I do enjoy how I feel after the exercise.  I like the shower and the blogging and the water drinking.  And the exercise isn’t as bad as I think it’s going to be when I’m rousing in bed before I go.

Food Fight

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I broke the 180s.  Down 1.2 lbs from yesterday.  That’s hot.  40 more days like yesterday and I’m at my target.

The above graphic is taken directly from my scale this morning.  I weight myself every morning, naked, post- (TMI WARNING FOR THE SQUEMISH…AVERT YOUR EYES NOW UNTIL THE NEXT PARAGRAPH) shit. I think this is the most realistic way to weigh myself.

Last time I wrote about my workout routine and generally what that entails.  Today I’m going to write about food: what I eat & when I eat.

A few months ago I read Penn Jillette’s book, Presto.  I was hoping  it would give me the kick in the ass I needed to start losing weight.  And it did play a role.  The thing that stuck with me the the bit about how he’s a drastic guy, and so he needed a drastic dietary change.  Most dietitians and trainers will tell you, generally, that drastic doesn’t work, won’t last.  I think they will also tell you the routine that will work is the one that’s right for you.  I think Penn just found what was right for him.

And so I have been spending a lot of time reading, and thinking, and failing, trying to figure out what’s right for me.  That’s all fine, it’s part of the process.  You failing?  That’s ok.  Keep trying.  You only really fail if you don’t try again.  Failing and trying again is just process. You trying to get healthier? Then you’re in process. I’m in process. Our lives are just process until we die.  Sound defeating?  I find comfort in that.  We’re all just trying.

But I digress. I’ll write more in another entry about the reading I did and the things I learned that are helping me now.  This entry is about food.

What I eat now:

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This is a screenshot taken directly from My Fitness Pal.  I prefer vegetarian meals. and I had that remarkably low cholesterol when I was vegetarian, so for now I’m sticking to vegetarian.  I’m not much of a cook, that is to say, I’m actually very capable in the kitchen, thanks to the women in my life, but I don’t enjoy cooking.  So for this weight loss to work, I have to be honest and acknowledge that, right now, I don’t enjoy cooking.  So I find pre-made, reasonably healthy alternatives.  Almost anything is better than pizza and ice cream.  You know what I also love? Hot sandwiches. So I eat Potbelly’s for lunch.  I love hummus.  I love onions.  I love red peppers.  Their Mediterranean sammie has all those and more.  And while it has feta on it, the amount they put on is much less than the six slices of cheese I would get on their other vegetarian option, the mushroom melt.  Sure, I could ask them to not put any cheese on at all, but I think that would be the fast track to failure.  I can adjust later.  For now, the cheese stays.

And I work at Trader Joe’s, so grabbing dinner there is easy.  I had a sandwich for lunch, so I have a salad for dinner.  Dinner’s closer to bedtime than lunch is, so I try to eat less bread later in the day (fewer simple carbs hanging out overnight, just begging to become a part of my waistline). The salad is good because it has quinoa in it, which will help raise my good cholesterol and lower the bad.  It also helps me feel fuller.  It’s got kale and cabbage and tomatoes, all super healthy.  But the best part is the cilantro and lime dressing, with some cotija cheese and roasted corn.  The dressing is the least healthy part, but the tastiest.  As I continue to eat better, my taste will continue to shift toward desiring healthier foods, but for now, just like the sandwich, this salad, dressing and all, is a much healthier option than pizza.

As for snacks, I love a decaf iced coffee with some soy milk added.  The milk is a little sweet, so it beats back my cravings for an entire chocolate cake.  I have some fruit every night when I get home, because I am a little peckish after work, and I don’t want to fuck up my day by going for pizza.  If I have the fruit to look forward to, it keeps me on track.  It also scratches that sweet itch.  The cookie?  Well, there’s always something open in the break room at work for us to share, and it’s a real struggle.  I love our sugar cookies.  So I ate one & logged it on MFP.  I didn’t eat 4, and I didn’t leave it off my tracker, so it’s still a win.

You might notice I don’t eat breakfast.  Through my research (mostly reading and podcast listening) I am persuaded by the weight loss results others have had with intermittent fasting.  Unfamiliar with IF? Go here for more info. Briefly, IF for me is the decision to not consume anything but water between my fruit when I get home at 11pm and my Potbelly lunch before work at 1:30 pm.  That’s 14 glorious hours of not eating!  Here you can find out about all the sick benefits of IF. And you will notice I am consuming the amount of calories myself and my doctor are comfortable with (i.e. I’m not starving myself), and because I dragged my ass to the gym yesterday morning and I’m fortunate in that I have an active job, I left plenty of calories on the table to run a good deficit.  Fuck yeah.

So for now that’s my routine: gym in the morning, blog post in the morning (both activities keep me from getting bored and confusing that boredom with hunger), sandwich for lunch, salad for dinner, coffee snack, fruit snack (and it has to be fresh fruit, nothing dried or artificially sweetened.  I want the fiber and water only fresh fruit can give me.), then bed.  I sleep about 9 hours, if you care to know that.  That’s what feels good for me.

Oh, and I drink around 100 ounces of water a day: 30 before work, 70 at work (I count the 16 oz. coffee with that because it’s decaffeinated) and another pint at home before bed.

Stop thinking about me in bed, you perverts.

XOE

 

Fuck Being Fat: An Introduction

Hi, I’m Eli.
A fat trans guy.
A fat trans guy in his 40s.
A fat, white, trans guy in his 40s.

God, I bet you guys can’t click away fast enough.

But wait, you know what people do love?
Comeback stories.
I’m letting you in on this one on the ground floor.

You see, I wasn’t always fat.  I was always trans, but just started the physical transition a little over five years ago.

If you give a shit about my transition, click over to this site’s big brother, My Life With Tits.

If not, stay put.  This entry ain’t over.

A Condensed Background for Interested Parties

Why am I here?  Well, I’m here writing this blog because I used to look hot in the mirror. That’s no longer the case. That’s my truth.  You don’t like it?  Fuck off, this blog’s not for you. Unless you’re a fat trans guy tired of being a fat trans guy.  Then this blog might be for you.

This blog is about my health, and FTM issues relating to health.  This blog is for trans guys, and cis guys, in that we sometimes overlap.  This blog is for allies if you find it helpful.

I swear a lot, and my outlook on my appearance and the way I talk about myself might not be for you.  That’s ok.  I bet there’s some shit you’re into that I find offensive.  So I can fuck off, right? Right. I can fuck right off.

But if you’re ok with the swears, and how I talk about my body, and you find this stuff interesting or helpful or encouraging, well then fuck yeah, stick around.  Watch my fat ass get skinny agin.

What Can I Expect as an Observer?

Welp, you can expect posts a couple times a week.

You can expect the swears to keep coming.

You can expect links and tips from others in the trans health community. You can expect responses to any queries within a reasonable amount of time.

You got questions?  Ask them.  If not, let’s get uncomfortable together. Let’s dive right the fuck in.

XOE