Steps Forward, Steps Back

unnamed.jpg

Had pizza and cookie again last night.  Gained .02 lbs. Buh.

But I went to the gym this morning and climbed exactly a thousand stairs exactly in 30 minutes.  I’m still not going to beat myself up about the pizza.  This is my process.  I am trying.

It’s interesting that the stair machine didn’t hurt my back, and I sweat like crazy, and my heart rate was in the 150s most of the 30 minutes I was at the gym but it didn’t feel hard.  I think the stair machine is going to make its way into my gym routine.  I burned more calories and exercised my heart more than just the treadmill walking, and stairs felt better on my back and hips.  Huh.  Who knew?  Probably lots of trainers and chiropractors.  But it’s news to me.

Yesterday when I got to work I felt like I wanted a little something sweet.  There happened to be cookies in the break room, as there is almost always something open to eat in the break room.  I thought, oh, this is great, I’ll just have one, since they’re sweet, but not a kind of cookie I actually like very much.  And it’s true: I did have only one cookie.

But instead of nipping my craving in the bud, I think it just whetted my appetite for more sweets.

For the rest of the day I had a piece of chocolate here, a chocolate covered almond there. I logged every bite on MFP calorie counter, and they were within my caloric allotment for the day.  But I wonder, did those indulgences fuel my pizza and cookie binge later in the day?  That pizza and cookie sure as shit weren’t within my allowed calories–I didn’t even bother logging them.

I still think there is some emotional or mental component to why I got the pizza that I’m not completely clear on.  I wasn’t very hungry, I just wanted to eat it because it tasted good.  I also wanted to stay up and watch some tv before I went to bed, another habit I’m trying to break.  It’s not that it’s not good for me, it’s just that when I watch tv I tend to want to snack.

I talked to my therapist about all this last week, and she recommended I make a list of things I can do for self care to replace the habit of self care with pizza.

Things to Do that Feel Good Instead of Eating Pizza at 11 PM 

  1. take an epsom salt bath
  2. eat some fruit
  3. jerk off
  4. do some yoga
  5. read a comic book
  6. post a blog entry about wanting, but not eating, pizza and cookie

That last one isn’t necessarily something that “feels good,” but it will keep me on the righteous path. Also, my therapist recommended I not stop eating pizza altogether, as it seems like a sure fire way to eat more pizza.  Instead of telling myself I can’t have pizza ever again, she recommends I tell myself I just can’t have pizza after work.  And I do like the idea of having it earlier in the day, on say my weekend, as a treat.  But even then I’ll have to make sure to expend more calories at the gym to burn off the pizza.  Oh pizza, you old troublemaker.

Wish me luck tonight!

XOE

 

Advertisements

Cardio Psychology

unnamed.jpg

I had the last two days off work, so I gained a little over my weekend, dipping my toe above the 190 threshold.  Oops.  But I’m not that concerned.  If I stick to my sammie/salad/fruit routine I’ll be in the 189s by tomorrow morning.  And by the end of my workweek I should have a little more distance between me and 190.  Weekends are tricky, since I am pretty physically active at work.  It takes some extra planning to burn as many calories and not eat too much on my days off as my days on.  I’m still working out the bugs, but I made better choices this weekend than I did last weekend, so I’ll count it as a win.

I want to write this morning about weightlifting.  But that would be the cart before the horse.  The horse, in this analogy, is writing about why I haven’t been weightlifting, and how I envision a weightlifting routine for myself at this point in my efforts.  And before that, we have to start with my cardio routine. But, why?

I have been doing only cardio since I started this blog, because, well, why have I been only doing cardio?

I suppose I started there because I thought it would be a gentle way to get back into working out.  I have a back injury (and a shoulder injury as well, oh, and a wrist thing too) from lifting heavy boxes improperly at work, and it gets exasperated every time I go to work (and continue to lift improperly).  Also, my feet just generally hurt because I’m fat and I walk/stand on concrete 8 hours a day.  So I’m coming to exercise carrying a substantial amount of extra weight, and I have preexisting injuries.  Because of these circumstances, I wanted to find a way to work out that wouldn’t make my body hurt more than it already does, as more pain seems like the fast track to quitting this whole endeavor.

So has cardio been gentle?

Well, yes and no.  Psychologically, it has been easy to go to the gym and walk on the treadmill.  Before worrying about losing weight from exercise I first just need to start going and keep going: first I need to form a habit of going to the gym.  And in that way this minimal cardio has been effective.  I have gone to the gym and walked every morning I have told myself I would since I started trying.  This is huge for me.  Mentally, I am forming a habit of going to the gym.  I actually look forward to waking up and going in the morning.  I look forward to watching the news on tv and seeing the people that are at the gym every morning at the same time as me.  I don’t mean I’m making friends, I mean I just like the routine.  It is comforting to me.  It feels good.

But walking at a brisk pace actually hurts my back.  My lower back and hips are tight from the injury, and so while I don’t want to run, I think it might actually be better for my back.  I think the gait I keep while walking quickly makes my injury worse.  I also don’t think I should be walking or running every morning.  I think I should be doing it every other day.  And I’m not going to stop going to the gym every day, so weights will be what I do on the non-running days.  I think my body will feel better if I change my routine every other day.

Also, I have always enjoyed weights much more than cardio, so I am looking into a weight routine for the days after my running days.  There is a lot of research to do, if I am to do this properly.

(Side note: I did skip the gym today in order to do this research.  But I went last Wednesday, which was normally my day off, so I could skip today and not feel like I was skipping altogether.  I think that kind of thinking, of skipping a day for no serious reason, this early in my efforts, is another sure fire way to quitting altogether.  I know it doesn’t sound very serious, but too many times I have justified skipping a day during previous weight loss efforts, that then leads to quitting full stop.)

First, what days am I doing what?

I’m going to start with 3 days of cardio, three days of weights, one day off. I want to start my work week with running (despite the pain of walking, and not looking forward to running, I do enjoy the feeling I get from running, and I think that will be a nice way to start my work week), so I’ll run Sat-Mon-Wed.  This leaves Sun-Tue-Thrs as my weight days.  Friday will be my day off, that’s my Sunday anyway, so it’ll be nice to sleep in.

I have run in the past, but have no idea how to start now from my current state.  So I goggled “how to start running when you’re fat” and found the Couch to 5K app.  This isn’t an endorsement, since I won’t start using it until next week, I just wanted to record what I’m using and when I’ll start.

For weights, I am fortunate and have a friend that’s a trainer.  I referenced her in my last post.  We didn’t make it to the gym together that night, but I’m meeting her Thursday at her gym.  She told me to come with lots of questions, so I’m going to ask her to help me figure out a weight routine, including how to start and how to progress.  I have used weights in the past, but they were always the weight machines, and I imagine using free weights is going to be B’s suggested route.  I will start with an embarrassingly low amount of weight.  I have to be ok with that to do it right and to progress.  Ouch, my ego.

If you don’t have a friend and you want to start working out I suggest you check out Nerd Fitness.  They have tons of free info for beginners, and it’s presented in a very approachable way.

So for this week, I will just keep going for my 30 min walk at the gym in the mornings to keep up the good routine I have going so far.  I’ll take Friday off, too, to start my new routine and to give my body a day of rest before my first day of running on Saturday.

XOE

 

 

Back in Business, My Lovelies

Back on track:

unnamed-2.jpg

And it only took one night of not eating pizza to get back under 190.  I think little goals along the way to my ultimate 140 target weight will help keep me focused.  So the first mini goal?

Never go above 190.  That feels doable.

Oh, and this honest-to-god text exchange just happened between myself and a friend trying to hash out plans to get together:

unnamed-1.jpg

I actually offered going to the gym as a way to spend time with a friend. I’ve never done that before.  And this friend will likely take me up on it.  She’s really good at going to the gym.  Point being, this is a change in habit.  Normally this friend and I would get white girl wasted and I would wind up taking an Uber home at 4 am.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s super fun, and I love getting shitty with B.  But staying out all night drinking will A.) lead to going over my daily calorie allotment by about a fuckton and B.) lead to me skipping the gym the following morning.  And I just got back on the skinny wagon.  Let’s not fall right the fuck off just as I’m getting seated.

I’ll let y’all know how it goes…

XOE